Dear L,
You are possibly one of the luckiest people I know. They said if you'd been in a bigger car then that's it, kaput, you wouldn't have survived. Even though I haven't known you for that long, I'd still be pretty screwed up from it. I just can't believe you can still smile and make jokes, and laugh about the fact that you have screws in your feet, a fucked up ear and skin grafts. That's inspirational.
I just think that I would have deserved it more than you did. You're pretty, sociable and incredibly clever: you don't deserve to have your life fucked up like this. On the other hand, this miserable let-down of a girl (i.e. me, hi there) would have deserved it more - it wouldn't get in the way of any kind of social life, less people would have to get lifts to a hospital to see her and her A levels are fucked already, so nothing new there. Blargh.
I'm coming to see you again ASAP L, promise.
Get well soon.
Love j.x
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
Monday, 28 March 2011
Dear B, T and V...
Dear You Guys,
You three are I guess what I'd call my best friends; the three girls who've always stuck together with me in our own isolated little group away from the others. We'd bitch about the sluts in our year and have our own girly sleepovers and shopping trips. It was perfect for a while.
For a while.
That was when things changed, I guess. You all stayed liking the same kind of R'n'B music, the same kind of 'cute, and muscly' guys, the same sickeningly pretty clothes. I moved into my own genre of rock/punk music, fell for 'cute emo' guys and started wearing band tee's and skinnies. You all told me I was being stupid, and that my taste was crap, and asked me why I didn't like X factor, or mainstream music. I hate all that stuff. You insulted every part of my taste and my own personal choices, whilst bragging and constantly talking about your own.That made me feel worse, but I'd never change, not for anyone.
And the way you talk about boys too. It's always The Wanted, or some guy off a TV show... Chuck Bass, Matt Lanter... all people I've only heard of in conversations I've never participated in. I'd rather fantasise over Billie Joe Armstrong, Matt Bellamy or Josh Farro to name a few.
Another thing that really irks me is the way that you said, T, that you refuse to go to an upcoming party simply because nobody good will be there? Nobody good? What about our friends, eh? Just because there are no upper sixth formers there, doesn't mean the people there are going to be boring. Just because there's no fit guys (in your eyes anyway) with potential, to stare at all night, doesn't mean the party will be crap. These are the people we call our friends, who we've known far longer than any of your precious 'fit' upper sixth 'mates.' I simply cannot believe you sometimes.
And seriously, B, he dumped you so long ago... please... please stop stalking his every move, and following every single girl he talks to. It's getting to the point of annoying, and you know it. I love you, but it's obsessive. Please, I swear I wasn't ever like that, even when I was in the same situation as you're in now.
Sorry for the rant, I know there is so much more I could say, but I guess I've bitched enough about my 'friends' for one day. I'm not really a harsh person.
Love J.x
You three are I guess what I'd call my best friends; the three girls who've always stuck together with me in our own isolated little group away from the others. We'd bitch about the sluts in our year and have our own girly sleepovers and shopping trips. It was perfect for a while.
For a while.
That was when things changed, I guess. You all stayed liking the same kind of R'n'B music, the same kind of 'cute, and muscly' guys, the same sickeningly pretty clothes. I moved into my own genre of rock/punk music, fell for 'cute emo' guys and started wearing band tee's and skinnies. You all told me I was being stupid, and that my taste was crap, and asked me why I didn't like X factor, or mainstream music. I hate all that stuff. You insulted every part of my taste and my own personal choices, whilst bragging and constantly talking about your own.That made me feel worse, but I'd never change, not for anyone.
And the way you talk about boys too. It's always The Wanted, or some guy off a TV show... Chuck Bass, Matt Lanter... all people I've only heard of in conversations I've never participated in. I'd rather fantasise over Billie Joe Armstrong, Matt Bellamy or Josh Farro to name a few.
Another thing that really irks me is the way that you said, T, that you refuse to go to an upcoming party simply because nobody good will be there? Nobody good? What about our friends, eh? Just because there are no upper sixth formers there, doesn't mean the people there are going to be boring. Just because there's no fit guys (in your eyes anyway) with potential, to stare at all night, doesn't mean the party will be crap. These are the people we call our friends, who we've known far longer than any of your precious 'fit' upper sixth 'mates.' I simply cannot believe you sometimes.
And seriously, B, he dumped you so long ago... please... please stop stalking his every move, and following every single girl he talks to. It's getting to the point of annoying, and you know it. I love you, but it's obsessive. Please, I swear I wasn't ever like that, even when I was in the same situation as you're in now.
Sorry for the rant, I know there is so much more I could say, but I guess I've bitched enough about my 'friends' for one day. I'm not really a harsh person.
Love J.x
Friday, 18 March 2011
Dear Life #3...
Dear Life...
It's been a while since i last wrote to you. I guess that means its a good thing - no cuts, no sudden bouts of that bleak depressive mood that creeps onto me like some kind of evil-spidery-thing. I guess today i'm just... bored. Numb inside. Lost all feelings possible
I have no emotional outlet. None of the passion/incredibly strong feelings i get sometimes have any way of showing themselves to others. No boyfriend. Friends who seem to only be interested in themselves/boys/fashion and superficial crap like that. I guess that's why i turned so strongly towards music. MY emotional outlet is through the endless piano/flute/piccolo/clarinet/guitar/pennywhistle playing that seems to take up so much of my time these days.
Maybe it's my own fault that i'm single. In all honesty, i'm not much of a looker, not quite skinny enough to be beautiful, and way WAY too shy and unconfident to be noticed. It's a vicious circle though really:
Being naturally a little shy and awkward
v
Not speaking to people
v
Therefore not being noticed
v
Feeling like there's something wrong
v
Self confidence knocked
v
Being even more shy, because it makes you feel inadequete
The cycle contines, until you slump deeper and deeper into feeling like a piece of crap, and never being able to talk to anybody. Always being there for other peoples problems but never wanting to burden other people with your own. Thus, the emotions build and build, and spiral out of control leading me... here.
I'm sorry life for the rant... you are my emotional outlet here. Peace.
Love J.x
It's been a while since i last wrote to you. I guess that means its a good thing - no cuts, no sudden bouts of that bleak depressive mood that creeps onto me like some kind of evil-spidery-thing. I guess today i'm just... bored. Numb inside. Lost all feelings possible
I have no emotional outlet. None of the passion/incredibly strong feelings i get sometimes have any way of showing themselves to others. No boyfriend. Friends who seem to only be interested in themselves/boys/fashion and superficial crap like that. I guess that's why i turned so strongly towards music. MY emotional outlet is through the endless piano/flute/piccolo/clarinet/guitar/pennywhistle playing that seems to take up so much of my time these days.
Maybe it's my own fault that i'm single. In all honesty, i'm not much of a looker, not quite skinny enough to be beautiful, and way WAY too shy and unconfident to be noticed. It's a vicious circle though really:
Being naturally a little shy and awkward
v
Not speaking to people
v
Therefore not being noticed
v
Feeling like there's something wrong
v
Self confidence knocked
v
Being even more shy, because it makes you feel inadequete
The cycle contines, until you slump deeper and deeper into feeling like a piece of crap, and never being able to talk to anybody. Always being there for other peoples problems but never wanting to burden other people with your own. Thus, the emotions build and build, and spiral out of control leading me... here.
I'm sorry life for the rant... you are my emotional outlet here. Peace.
Love J.x
Thursday, 3 March 2011
Dear JT...
Dear JT,
I'm sorry that i'm just an anonymous entity to you at the moment, i guess I'm just not really ready to talk properly to anyone like you... still. Especially after what your bass player did recently. I guess i souldn't dwell on it anyway.
You are an amazing person. Seriously. You play guitar better than... him... you're a black belt in karate. You're such a nice person to talk to too, from what i've discovered the few times i've spoke to you in person... and from the few times i've spoken to you without you knowing. So I don't understand the way you feel you need to describe yourself with the amazing Radiohead song "Creep." You, of all people really shouldn't feel like that, given your amazing aforementioned personality traits. I guess that this just shows that even the most talented and seemingly perfect people can have low self esteem and be as shy as the rest of us. I guess they just manage to hide it better than the rest of us.
I wish i could talk to you JT, you seem exactly like the kind of person i want to get to know better. But i guess i'm just not ready to talk to people like you just quite yet. It'll happen... one day... fingers crossed. But until then, i guess my only method of communication is via anonymous ideas. I'm sorry i can't be better than this.
Love J.x
I'm sorry that i'm just an anonymous entity to you at the moment, i guess I'm just not really ready to talk properly to anyone like you... still. Especially after what your bass player did recently. I guess i souldn't dwell on it anyway.
You are an amazing person. Seriously. You play guitar better than... him... you're a black belt in karate. You're such a nice person to talk to too, from what i've discovered the few times i've spoke to you in person... and from the few times i've spoken to you without you knowing. So I don't understand the way you feel you need to describe yourself with the amazing Radiohead song "Creep." You, of all people really shouldn't feel like that, given your amazing aforementioned personality traits. I guess that this just shows that even the most talented and seemingly perfect people can have low self esteem and be as shy as the rest of us. I guess they just manage to hide it better than the rest of us.
I wish i could talk to you JT, you seem exactly like the kind of person i want to get to know better. But i guess i'm just not ready to talk to people like you just quite yet. It'll happen... one day... fingers crossed. But until then, i guess my only method of communication is via anonymous ideas. I'm sorry i can't be better than this.
Love J.x
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
Dear P...
Dear P,
I don't think you realise that kinda hurt today. We were just sitting, playing music, and you came out with the line that has haunted me since:
"Stop kidding about playing the guitar... You can't play the guitar."
We i'm sorry i'm not in a band like you, P... I'm sorry that I spent 9 years playing the flute and piano instead. I'm sorry that i fell on love with music in a way that nobody can understand. I'm sorry i fell in love with your fucking douchebag of a best friend - one of the best guitarists i know - and were inspired by this.
I'm sorry i can't be perfect.
I guess I shouldn't rant at you like this P, it's not your fault. Sorry :(
Love J.x
I don't think you realise that kinda hurt today. We were just sitting, playing music, and you came out with the line that has haunted me since:
"Stop kidding about playing the guitar... You can't play the guitar."
We i'm sorry i'm not in a band like you, P... I'm sorry that I spent 9 years playing the flute and piano instead. I'm sorry that i fell on love with music in a way that nobody can understand. I'm sorry i fell in love with your fucking douchebag of a best friend - one of the best guitarists i know - and were inspired by this.
I'm sorry i can't be perfect.
I guess I shouldn't rant at you like this P, it's not your fault. Sorry :(
Love J.x
Monday, 21 February 2011
Dear Life #2
Dear Life,
Sometimes, all you need is a hug. Like when you're trying to write a decent blog post, and on the sixth attempt you just feel like saying fuck this, it's not as if anybody reads it anyway. But hey, it's fun to imagine.
Love J.x
(P.S any hugs greatly apprectiated.)
Sometimes, all you need is a hug. Like when you're trying to write a decent blog post, and on the sixth attempt you just feel like saying fuck this, it's not as if anybody reads it anyway. But hey, it's fun to imagine.
Love J.x
(P.S any hugs greatly apprectiated.)
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
Dear Life #1
Dear Life,
They say 'if life gives you lemons, shove them down your top to make your boobs look bigger.' Someone gives you an idea that suddenly blossoms into a spark of inspiration and creativity, and you go with the flow and follow the idea wherever it takes you. I begun this idea by writing a letter, and posting it on an internet forum - it was a letter i never intend to send, nor have anyone i know read it. A girl commented on it, and suggested that blogging was my answer, so here i am: sitting on my bed, writing the letters i'm never going to send.
I can't promise a daily correspondance, nor can i promise that I won't offend anyone; they're my letters, and if you don't like them... well, they weren't necessarily written for you. It's more of a personal thing, to express feelings like this.
So enjoy them while you can, because i can't guarentee i'll be around here forever. Enjoy life in the moment, and take each moment as it comes.
Peace out
J.x
They say 'if life gives you lemons, shove them down your top to make your boobs look bigger.' Someone gives you an idea that suddenly blossoms into a spark of inspiration and creativity, and you go with the flow and follow the idea wherever it takes you. I begun this idea by writing a letter, and posting it on an internet forum - it was a letter i never intend to send, nor have anyone i know read it. A girl commented on it, and suggested that blogging was my answer, so here i am: sitting on my bed, writing the letters i'm never going to send.
I can't promise a daily correspondance, nor can i promise that I won't offend anyone; they're my letters, and if you don't like them... well, they weren't necessarily written for you. It's more of a personal thing, to express feelings like this.
So enjoy them while you can, because i can't guarentee i'll be around here forever. Enjoy life in the moment, and take each moment as it comes.
Peace out
J.x
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