Dear Life...
It's been a while since i last wrote to you. I guess that means its a good thing - no cuts, no sudden bouts of that bleak depressive mood that creeps onto me like some kind of evil-spidery-thing. I guess today i'm just... bored. Numb inside. Lost all feelings possible
I have no emotional outlet. None of the passion/incredibly strong feelings i get sometimes have any way of showing themselves to others. No boyfriend. Friends who seem to only be interested in themselves/boys/fashion and superficial crap like that. I guess that's why i turned so strongly towards music. MY emotional outlet is through the endless piano/flute/piccolo/clarinet/guitar/pennywhistle playing that seems to take up so much of my time these days.
Maybe it's my own fault that i'm single. In all honesty, i'm not much of a looker, not quite skinny enough to be beautiful, and way WAY too shy and unconfident to be noticed. It's a vicious circle though really:
Being naturally a little shy and awkward
v
Not speaking to people
v
Therefore not being noticed
v
Feeling like there's something wrong
v
Self confidence knocked
v
Being even more shy, because it makes you feel inadequete
The cycle contines, until you slump deeper and deeper into feeling like a piece of crap, and never being able to talk to anybody. Always being there for other peoples problems but never wanting to burden other people with your own. Thus, the emotions build and build, and spiral out of control leading me... here.
I'm sorry life for the rant... you are my emotional outlet here. Peace.
Love J.x
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